The Funny Business…

“The historical trends have led me to conclude that by doubling or even tripling our efforts of efficiency on the domestic front, it will yield a new entity of massive synergistic proportions. I therefore wish to present to you this exhibit (a composite of metallic and mineral elements) acquired from licensed retail channels as a symbol of our new alliance. Your acceptance of this strategy would launch a series of initiatives culminating in an event that would be in compliance with local and national authorities and internationally recognized by virtually all foreign governments. Your prompt feedback in this matter is in the best interests of all stakeholders."

If you read it couple of times, you can summarize in just 4 words "Will you marry me?"

No! This is not a manuscript of a marriage proposal from a mental guy. It's the way business idiots speak most of the times. Unfortunately, these days I have been reading so much of Annual reports, and watching press conference of the corporate.

Well! I know, me talking about business sound nothing less than a first time driver trying to parallel park a SUV in San Francisco downtown. However, my purpose was just to get a clue, as to why business language are deliberately written in obscure and complex terms which at the end of the day turns out to be as useless as an e-mail Spam send to a girl with subject line - "How to enlarge your P****."

To understand that, I read few articles on effective corporate communication and also finally got hand to a book titled - "Why business people speak like Idiots?"
It was fun to explore facts and get the micro level view on why these business people Love-to or forced-to speak like that.

For instance, what you think when you hear a CEO/CFO speaking in a press conference? - "I'm ABC Mukharjee; I am the Divisional Regional Global worldwide operations Manager in charge of everything"
Nothing comes to my mind than thinking, oops, another business moron, obsessed with jargons, comes here to over hype the benefit and soften the downside. Actually, when they don't have real strategy, they just string together a bunch of nonsense and make one up.

I don't know if the word "bandwidth" was used so frequently before Internet came in, but these days, usually we hear this from every Out-of-shape IT guys, who spends most of the afternoon eating some fried chips at their desk.
If they have to say no to a project work for some secret reason, then instead of directly giving reason, response would be - "currently we are facing bandwidth allocation issue because of additional value-added action items in the project."

Now look at this:
"Because of the recession we are seeing some pressure building across certain verticals that is threatening to squeeze the margin in coming Qtr's and to tackle that our management have decided to go for strategic re-structuring of our operating model and focus on optimizing the operational efficiency. Also, currency hedging is another area we are looking forward to concentrate on."
How much pressure? Which vertical?? What strategic re-structuring??? Optimizing the operational efficiency????
What the Fuck? Can someone please kick his butt?.

I have heard this many times in last 2 years.
All these big and vague words are meant to be politically and legally correct. While strategic re-structuring is meant for firing employees, operational efficiency hint towards cost cutting by removing toilet papers.

To me, these days, business communalization is making dent in the world's sleep deprivation epidemic, which is tricked with mundane and logarithmic scaled chart. Most of the business people prefer staying in safe cocoon of their skull and crawling into their esoteric world of useless jargons to avoid accountability, creativity and moral trap.

Having said that, few of such business idiots don't prefer useless jargons because they are moronic jerks trying to piss off the people they most need to impress. They use the shortcut, because sometime they just feel easier to lapse into vagary and verbosity than to work their way through to clarity and crispness.

Why can’t these people learn from a legendary investor and philanthropist Warren Buffet, who makes a habit of admitting his mistake in plain English - "I was dead wrong". In fact, this humility is the hallmark of the great business leaders.

I sincerely apologies if this blog killed any of your neuro cells; I was just trying to include the flavour of the business communication. And, I am sure, moving forwards, I would have a hearty laugh if I see any business jerks speaking about strategic re-structuring or synergistic proportions.